Tuesday, October 31, 2006

Worth it!

They are here!
I'm more exhausted than I ever thought possible so I'm going to keep this short. The girls arrived here on the 13th and are healthy little chunks! They are just so precious and yet an absolute handfull. I hope to post more later about their birth and some very important things I have learned about being a new mom.
If you've wondered if the infertility treatment road can ever be worth it, I can tell you truly that it is worth every painful inch. Knowing what I know now, I would have/could have endured so much more to have these little miracles.
If you're still waiting for your miracle, hang in there. And for what it's worth, just know that I think about you more now than ever.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

Post Office

Strange things happen when I go to the post office. People say very weird things to me while I am there. Especially in the parking lot. On Monday, as I was getting in the car, someone got me again. This very beautiful woman offered me a "Congrats" to which I replied "thanks". As she passed by she said, "I wish I was having a baby". Looking at her face when she said that was like looking at myself before I became pregnant. The comment and her look stopped me dead in my tracks. I said to her, "Oh...I'm sorry....I wish you were too." I wanted to go up to her and hug her and do anything I could to take away the pain that I could see in her face and hear in her words. As she was going in the door she said something to me back over her shoulder but I didn't hear what she said.
I keep seeing her face in my mind and I'm just so very sad for her.

Friday, October 06, 2006


Looks like we will most likely be having a c-section on next Friday. Pretty pleased about that. I'm ready (I think) to put the whole pregnancy thing behind me. The girls are becoming little chunks: 7 lbs and 6 lbs with another week to grow. Very, very happy about that. I'll update sooner if anything else changes.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Happy Baby

During our ultrasound today we say Paige smiling! What could she possibly be smiling about in there? It was so beautiful!! A couple of nights ago I had a dream that I was holding one of them and she smiled at me. I thought the dream was awesome until I saw the real thing today.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Do not attempt the following...

Before I became pregnant, I was an avid gardener. Every evening I spent some time in my beautiful flower gardens and every weekend included at least half a day’s work pruning and fertilizing and mulching and watering. Since I've been on modified bed rest, my gardens have turned into scary, weedy, jungle-like patches. I can barely stand to look outside because it is just torture. So upon reaching and exceeding the 35 week mark (!), my Dr. told me bed rest was no longer something that I needed to worry about. On Saturday, I decided to "clean up" a few trouble spots in my garden. In doing so, I fell....through a chair....and on to my butt and back. While it was happening all I could think was that I had to protect the babies from my stupidity. As soon as I landed, I extracted myself from the chair and was up and moving into my house to call the Dr. I had no idea I could still move that fast! While waiting for the Dr to call me back, I laid down on my left side and drank a Coke to see if I could get the babies to move. They didn't. I was in a complete panic by the time the Dr. called me back (only like 5 minutes later). Apparently, when you fall and give the babies a sudden jolt, their instinct is NOT to move. Dr said it would take them a bit of time to get over the shock of the bouncing around and that as long as I didn't bump the belly or have any bleeding, things would be fine.
Still, I was terrified and so mad at myself for being so stupid. The babies did finally begin to move and seemed to be okay. As for my body though, that is a different story. Whatever separating my pelvis had left to do was accomplished during the fall. I literally cannot walk and I cannot roll over in bed. I cannot squat down far enough to use the toilet. I thought I knew the meaning of pelvic pain before. Both of my elbows are bruised and one leg has cuts, scrapes and bruises on it that leave no question as to whether I won the fight or the chair. I'm miserable and I only have myself to blame for it. I'm pissed that I put my babies in such danger. I've learned a lesson. Gardens be damned.
On a more positive note, only 2 weeks and 5 days until the girls get here!

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Please don't tell me what I CANNOT DO!

Assvice abounds around here. While I've been on modified bed rest, I've been able to hide out from other people and it has been super nice. But when I have to go out to the Dr. or make my weekly or so trip to my office, I have to be around other people and I get accosted. If I had a dime for every time some one has told me I look like I am going to pop, have my baby any minute, explode, topple over, etc. I could quit work and maybe never have to go back. Yesterday, I actually had a lady yell across the post office parking lot that it wouldn't be long until I wouldn't be able to fit behind the wheel of my car. Do I know this person....of course not. I mean the audacity! I just stared at her in disbelief and then seriously considered waiting until she came back out and running her rude ass over. Yeah....I'm hormonal....so what.
Then I decided to go to Target to get some Halloween costumes for the wee ones and to soothe my wounds with a little clearance shopping. While there, I found these awesome, silky t-shirts and a v, v cute suit (all non-maternity mind you). So what that I am still pregnant and sporting a huge, ole' belly. My legs are the same size and so are my butt and my arms and all my other parts. So I decided to try the said t-shirts and suit on. T-shirts appeared as if they would work out fine post-belly. So did the suit jacket. The pants though were tight in the thighs and butt so I decided to go up one size. No big deal since pre-pregnancy I would normally have to try on two different sizes of the same pair of pants to get the one that fit the best. Anywhoo....I came out of the dressing room and handed the offending pants to one of the collection of dressing room attendants who asked "didn't work for you?" I said "no" and proceeded to go look for a larger size. As I was SLOWLY making my way, I heard the bitty say, "well what does she expect...look at her...she's huge and these are not maternity". Oh how I wanted to bitch slap her! Instead, I found my size 8 pants and went back to the dressing room. Tried them on, they fit and looked great in spite of the fact that they "are not maternity". Upon exiting the fitting room I told the bitty, "these worked just fine and it's so nice to be thin enough to try on non-maternity clothes even when I am pregnant". No more snide comments from the bitty!
Today at work, my assistant was discussing with me how things are going with the babies and pregnancy related issues. The subject of breastfeeding came up and she flat out told me that with twins, it would be impossible to do. That comment irritated my last frayed nerve. I wanted to tell her to eff off since she is such an expert neither having EVER HAD TWINS nor knowing any one who has twins. But I only told her that I was sure I would be able to do it and I was not going to stress about it. Of course, that is a total lie since I am not sure that I will be able to do so and I am starting to stress about it. You just cannot imagine the number of women who have flat out told me that bf'ing twins will be impossible or that they couldn't bf one so they will be shocked if I can bf two. I'm getting zero support on this issue with the exception of my Dr. and B and a few blogs I read that are written by moms of multiples.
As a person who tries and can usually find the silver lining and who doesn't believe in the concept of "cannot", all of the negativity that gets tossed my way when I venture out is starting to break me down and I'm about fed up. So the next time you see a pregnant woman, just keep your assvice and personal opinions to yourself because you might be talking to me. At this point, I might just snap and it would be very detrimental to your health.

Monday, September 04, 2006

I'm tired and huge and tired and sore and bitchy and tired. Only 5 1/2 weeks until the scheduled c-section and we are done with this part of parenthood. I will not miss being pregnant....except maybe at 3 a.m. when I am utterly exhausted and trying to feed a couple of hungry babies.
Speaking of babies, they are both growing like mad. Emma's approximate weight is 4.10 and Paige's approx. weight is 4.5. Both have gained over a pound in two weeks and we are very pleased about that. I go for my first NST on Tuesday. I've noticed that I will go for longish stretches of time without feeling any movement and that is a bit worrisome. I'm hoping that there is nothing to worry about and believe that it is just how my babies are. I've got my fingers and everything else crossed.
I've also started thinking about the financial aspect of having these two. We've got decisions upon decisions to make regarding our financial future. Which college plan, whose health insurance, daycare and work or stay at home. I'm a planner by nature and like to have everything organized and in its place. I'm also a minimalist. B is the same way except that he chooses to let me make the decisions and handle the finances so he is mostly out of the loop and clueless because he chooses to be. Thus, in some ways I am screwed when it comes to being a Mom. While I don't believe in giving your children everything they want, I certainly do not want to find us in a situation where I cannot provide adequately for my kids. I've started having nightmares about hiding my babies from wolves at the door. I know it is directly related to my stress about money and providing.
In some ways I'm ready for these girls to get here. In other ways, I don't know that I will ever be ready.